....I probably could have come up with a better title. But I didn't. So there....
Happy new year to you dear readers. I am writing with a little update, as well it has been a while.
So, since I ended radiation on 12/18, a few interesting things have developed....like, the stomachache, heartburn and swallowing challenges have all abided- as of today, in fact. That is pretty awesome. The fatigue is abating somewhat, in that I don't need to nap 10 hours out of every day. However I am shedding skin on my neck and chest like some amphibian. All the while, I'm also slowly shedding my sluggish, sloth-like demeanor. I'm beginning to slowly unfurl my curled up limbs, stretch, scratch and take an inventory of my surroundings.
What I've found is that while I was out on cancer "vacation" life went on around me. And, that makes me kinda sad. I know....right? Another friend of mine shared her cancer story with me. Awful stuff this cancer business....and she said something that really resonated with me. She said that three to six months post treatment, she sort of lost her mind. She described it as being an "emotional tsunami." My response to that was: "Oh, so that's what you call it???"
And she's right. My emotions overwhelm me- and rock me to my very core. And honestly, I cannot figure out why. I have everything to be happy about: So far, I've had what appears to be, a full and positive response to treatment. My kids are normal and well. Plans around the sale of my house and move are all going in the right direction. So, what in the HELL is wrong with me? Why aren't I more grateful? Why don't I want to get my ass outside and run a freakin' marathon like all those other cancer survivor people?
Right now, I would give anything to simply put on some cancer survivor ribbon and call it good. BUT- I know better than that. My head and my heart need to reconcile themselves around this experience. And, yes it was an experience.
How will I do that? How will I get myself better emotionally?
Well, for starters I'm going on week's vacation to the beach. Yes, I bought tons of skin covering beach wear. Honest to Allah, I did my very very best to find fashion forward burka wear....
Though, oddly enough I'm not sure vacation is the silver bullet. Something new has entered my world: worry. I haven't been much of a worrier in my former life. Nope. I always, always had faith that no matter what, things would work out just fine. And you know what? In the past I was right. And I applied that very same attitude to my cancer diagnosis. I just figured somehow in the cancer, medical world, I just knew it would work out. And while I was right about that, I was also exposed to so many other experiences that have left me just resigned to, oh, I don't know what.....
And, it's the "I don't know what" that I'm trying to figure out. Now the optimist in me says: "Take your time. You'll figure it out eventually." And the new resident that I call "pessimist" says: "Now you've had your brush with mortality. What other horrible stuff exists out there to hurt you?" Nutty! I know....And the chick undergoing recovery wants to just take a nap and forget about all of it. Really. Why can't wearing the ribbon just solve all the problems?
Maybe my friend is right. Maybe I do need to do the unthinkable and join some cancer survivor group? Maybe some group processing will prevent me from getting stuck in this wacky mental spiral. Maybe that or I just need to go run a marathon???
Obviously the ribbon isn't gonna fix this.
No comments:
Post a Comment