Gentle Reader-
It has been some time since I've updated this blog. And you wanna know why? No, not because I've been sick. Nor have I grown tired of writing about my journey. Instead, it's because my ass has been busy having fun. That's right. For the first time in many, many YEARS, I found myself in the position to say emphatically, "NO" to anything that didn't smack of fun. And, well where did that leave me?
The celebration of my second anniversary.
Today, I get to sit back and enjoy two years chemo free. I know...there are literally dozens of little anniversaries when it comes to my cancer journey- the day I found out, the day I started chemo, the day I finished radiation. But today friends, I celebrate that milestone that is so permanently etched in my memory banks. Today, two years ago, I sat down for my final chemo experience. Yep, it kicked my ass; damn near killed me but I'm STILL HERE! HA-HA-HA!
And you know, it's hard not to want to rub it in to, oh, I don't know- cancer's face? Like cancer has a face...I wish.
So, today you'll have to forgive me if I want to demand a balloon bouquet or better...Yes, a parade- complete with floats, a band or two, and sure a couple of ladies tossing batons.
Of course, I know better. No. Today, I will attend meetings; edit documents. I will head to a cool play date. And take a kid to tutoring. I will cook dinner. No real party for me. And yet- I celebrate because this is what life is all about.
Let me catch you up:
I was prepared to write a blog titled: Pain Club. And there are many parallels with that famous movie of a slightly different title. Because the first rule of Pain Club- and there are many- is you don't talk about pain club. Apparently that's what happens when you take opiods. You're not supposed to TELL people you're taking them because they will STEAL your opiods. Man. With friends like that...
But why pain club? Well, as I mentioned before I developed lymphedema in my left arm. No one really has a clue why. So, for now we're going with: Scatter effect from over radiation. It may not be accurate, but it fits. And with that, comes pain. My arm and fingers often feel like they are on fire.
And living with that stuff- while not debilitating- does suck. So, I started on a quest for pain relief. And, it lead me down some very interesting corridors. One was a conversation around taking methadone. I kindly declined. It is highly addictive and it may interfere with my bowel movements. PASS.
I also talked with a doctor who offered up anti-depressants and visualization therapy. The problem with the first was it would cause me to gain weight and decrease my sex drive. No and emphatically NO! The Hell? And sorry, but I just don't have time to visualize much beyond getting laundry done and kids shuttled around. Oh, and there's that pesky job of mine.....Again, not a good fit.
So, where does that leave me? I still have pain. It is being managed through higher compression garments and massage. Eventually I'll move over to acupuncture. But, in the end I realized it is all part of my "new" normal. It isn't debilitating. And clearly, I'll survive.
Also, I was taken off of prednisone. Funny. When typed, the word comes up as misspelled. And the option offered is "prisoner." And that is precisely how I felt. For just under two years, I was on that awful, life saving drug. It made me moody. I gained 15 lbs. But it kept my lungs working. It was with the help of the patient, kind and brilliant research, Dr. David Madtes and his team at SCCA, that I am now successfully weened from that drug.
I am grateful. I AM losing weight. So in a word: Awesome.
And a word about fun. Cancer is anything but fun. I don't care how many pink parties are thrown, ribbons worn, or marathons run. It is NO FUN. And it has been quite a journey to get back to decent, if not good, health.
And along the way, I've certainly lost plenty of friends. And yet, I have also made new ones. And these friends only know me post disease and treatment. And, when spending time amongst this band of merry bandits, I am seen very, very differently- like it never, ever happened.
And I'm not sure how I feel about that.
I never wanted cancer to define me. Yet, it shapes how I see everything in life. Everything.
One friend in particular, has told me- "You know what? I know this happened to you. But, here's the rub. Nothing bad ever happens to those I am closest to."
Boy, is that a tall order. I really would hate to be the person to blow that kind of track record. Honestly. (Always the Midwesterner- Don't want to put ya out...)Yet, I know I could. And it would be devastating for both of us.
I close with this: on this second anniversary, here's what I want: to live a long, healthy life, where I get to keep the odds forever in MY favor.
Thank you for reading.
