Gentle Readers-
I will readily admit to sort of taking a break from sharing my feelings and thoughts about my current station in life. And, really I think it was in the best interest of all of us that I did so....Here's why-
When I learned that I had in fact been one of the lucky 85% who get cured from this disease from front-line treatment, I heard: "Oh you must feel so relieved."
Now, duh! Of course I am relieved. Having cancer sucks. Getting cured of it is, well awesome. However, I haven't had that experience, that I think many people associate with news like this. No, I didn't fall down and kiss the ground or reconfirm my religious beliefs in God the Father, Son and Holy Spirit. Sure, I shed a couple of tears. But honestly....I'm still waiting to exhale. (Sorry Terry M...)
And, I think the reason for the wait is because the emotion that is taking up a lot of space in my world is well, anger with a healthy side of annoyed. And, I'm not talking about that crazy, revenge kind of anger, where I'll head to Nordstrom and buy up the shoe department to make myself feel better. Nope. It's something else. Bigger.
While I'm sure I would benefit from a tour on my therapist's couch at $200+ an hour, I don't think I'm all that ready to commit to that plan. Especially since I know she's just going to say: "Yvette, the emotions you are having are normal and you just need to stay present." Instead, I want to work on getting down to the roots of this rage.
And sure, there are plenty of things pissing me off at this present moment- including the little old Orthodox Jewish man at the grocery store who needed to be told not one, not two, but FOUR separate times, how to use his debit card...(Really? Just swipe the damn thing for F*CK's sake.) But, that's really more in alignment with my daily annoyances than my bigger, badder friend- anger....
I think the anger comes from getting cancer in the first f*cking place. I realize that for the past five months, I've been living my life in the "really slow, I might die" lane. And I'm just beginning to figure out how that lane assignment really affected the way I see the world. And even knowing that I'm "cured" from this shit, I still have another 33+ days on my sentence, as I need to finish out this stupid chemo. (But who's counting?)
And, here's the other thing- I feel very guilty for being mad about getting Hodgkin's Lymphoma. Let's be honest, of all the cancers a gal could get, this truly is the best one, right? And, unlike a lot of cancer patients, my experience could be described best as "cancer-lite." So, there's this nutty part of my brain that says: "Look bitch, you really need to get some perspective." It's not like I had stage IV pancreatic cancer, right? But the angry gal inside of me isn't trying to hear that. No. She's not. I'm just pissed that it happened at all.
So, how I'm feeling? Hmm...that's a Pandora's Box. And, let me just say for the record, in advance, I'm truly sorry if on the day you come across my path, and I'm on a rampage. Really. I'm just trying to stay "in the moment."
Saturday, September 22, 2012
Thursday, September 13, 2012
CANCER: And the Winner Is.....
Dear Friends-
The votes have been tallied. The results are in. And the winner of this year's cancer award is: ME!
That's right, I passed the cancer test. I am- from the looks of it, pretty much cancer free. I am....heeeeauullled.
The road before me is still a bit bumpy, as I have three more treatments to go. And the awesome Dr. Wahl wants me to meet with the radiation oncologist, just to make sure I dont need to be zapped a few times for good measure. But folks, your prayers, love, meals, blankets, and yes, even voodoo for you dark souls, did the trick.
Thank you. We did it!
Thursday, September 6, 2012
CANCER: 2B or not 2B? That is the question.
Gentle readers: we've done it. We have scaled the chemo mountain- four rounds under my belt, and we are beginning the descent- two more to go...Blood cells willing, the last chemo infusion should happen on 10/25. Fingers crossed...
Now, if you'll recall back in the spring, I got the diagnosis: Stage II, Hodgkin's Lymphoma. At that time, I was told that the cancer was in the very early stages and that I shouldn't be too concerned. However, I have since learned that the gentle Dr. K, was well...very gentle...not to mention optimistic. Instead, what I now know is that I am actually Stage IIB Unfavorable. That's right they used the word "unfavorable." I was so offended...like there's anything remotely unfavorable about me. But, once I got off my high horse, I was able to dig a little deeper and learn the following:
Stage II is in fact an early stage of cancer in that it is located above my diaphram. The B signifies basically that the cancer is in both sides of my body and the unfavorable part means that I have a particularly aggressive form of this disease. Now aggressive, that's a word I tend to appreciate- except when it applies to my cancer. The folks in the white coats decided that it is an aggressive due to the size of the main tumor. I won't lie. It's big (10 cm). And on the PET scan, it looks a lot like a cat sitting in my ribs. Odd, as I really don't like cats since they do stupid shit, like sit on a person's rib cage....
So, what's next? The plan was and still is that following my fourth round of chemo, I will submit to another PET scan- you remember what that is, right? Positron Emission Test. I get pumped full of some super nuclear chemical stuff and then sit in a machine that sounds like hammers hammering for about 15 minutes.
The PET scan, with respect to Hodgkin's, is a predictor of being cured. With this cancer. There is no remission. You get cured or die and that's it. The vast majority of people live. So, I'm feeling good about the statistics on that one. But just in case, I did buy my boys some blazers and chinos they can wear, should it end badly for me. Girl Scout Motto: Be Prepared. And my motto is: Man, be dressed appropriately. To be considered cured, you want a PET negative result. PET positive means I'm not cured and I have to undergo more treatment- either via radiation or chemical therapy. I'll beat this disease. I am confident of that. However, if I require secondary treatment, I will then more than likely develop a secondary cancer from the cure. Ain't THAT a bitch?
My PET is scheduled for Tuesday 9/11- a most auspicious day, no? I get the results on Thursday 9/13. (I can get the results sooner, if I'm dying (my MD's words, not mine) to know sooner.) And here's the thing- I kinda don't want to know the results. Instead, I want to hop a plane to Timbuktu or some other remote corner of the world and hide out. And, this is kinda strange for me. I mean, I'm usually the chick who can "take it like a man." I love direct, honest dialogue. But this...this has me twisted up in knots and doing stuff like internet shopping....I just don't want to know.
And, I'm a little embarrassed to write that. Me, who has been nothing if not brave throughout all of this- I mean how many doctors have I expressed my displeasure with? Seriously. But this..this is the one hurdle I'm having trouble getting over.
The smart and direct Dr. Wahl in her lovely iron fist manner has broken it down for me as follows: "Has anyone talked to you about radiation? Because that mass in your chest is really big." Sigh. Like I didn't know that shit already. And Dr. Kenneth Kraemer (who has the nicest eyebrows of any person I've ever seen) explained that radiation therapy is much gentler than chemo. I was too embarrassed to ask him if I would be able to poop after treatment. I figure there's plenty of time for that.
So, this is it folks. Truth telling time. I can run, hide and shop my ass off. But, the reality is that I have to face the music about this cancer thing. If it's negative, I'll be bawling my head off with relief. If it's positive, well I'll probably do something really dumb, like get married again- something, anything, to make me feel alive and like I have plenty of time in front of me.
While it's true- we know not the day nor the time when we get that last call, cancer changed my life timeline. I don't feel like I have the luxury of putting things off till tomorrow. Don't get me wrong- I have no plans of running any marathons or stuff like that and I still nap. Duh! But, there's something to be said about priorities. I appreciate and love my friends and family like never before. And I am quick to walk away from anyone trying to rain on my parade. I have come to value myself and what I have to offer this world. And really, I'm tired of being a cancer patient. I want a new title. NOW.
It's getting kinda real up in here, isn't it?
Now, if you'll recall back in the spring, I got the diagnosis: Stage II, Hodgkin's Lymphoma. At that time, I was told that the cancer was in the very early stages and that I shouldn't be too concerned. However, I have since learned that the gentle Dr. K, was well...very gentle...not to mention optimistic. Instead, what I now know is that I am actually Stage IIB Unfavorable. That's right they used the word "unfavorable." I was so offended...like there's anything remotely unfavorable about me. But, once I got off my high horse, I was able to dig a little deeper and learn the following:
Stage II is in fact an early stage of cancer in that it is located above my diaphram. The B signifies basically that the cancer is in both sides of my body and the unfavorable part means that I have a particularly aggressive form of this disease. Now aggressive, that's a word I tend to appreciate- except when it applies to my cancer. The folks in the white coats decided that it is an aggressive due to the size of the main tumor. I won't lie. It's big (10 cm). And on the PET scan, it looks a lot like a cat sitting in my ribs. Odd, as I really don't like cats since they do stupid shit, like sit on a person's rib cage....
So, what's next? The plan was and still is that following my fourth round of chemo, I will submit to another PET scan- you remember what that is, right? Positron Emission Test. I get pumped full of some super nuclear chemical stuff and then sit in a machine that sounds like hammers hammering for about 15 minutes.
The PET scan, with respect to Hodgkin's, is a predictor of being cured. With this cancer. There is no remission. You get cured or die and that's it. The vast majority of people live. So, I'm feeling good about the statistics on that one. But just in case, I did buy my boys some blazers and chinos they can wear, should it end badly for me. Girl Scout Motto: Be Prepared. And my motto is: Man, be dressed appropriately. To be considered cured, you want a PET negative result. PET positive means I'm not cured and I have to undergo more treatment- either via radiation or chemical therapy. I'll beat this disease. I am confident of that. However, if I require secondary treatment, I will then more than likely develop a secondary cancer from the cure. Ain't THAT a bitch?
My PET is scheduled for Tuesday 9/11- a most auspicious day, no? I get the results on Thursday 9/13. (I can get the results sooner, if I'm dying (my MD's words, not mine) to know sooner.) And here's the thing- I kinda don't want to know the results. Instead, I want to hop a plane to Timbuktu or some other remote corner of the world and hide out. And, this is kinda strange for me. I mean, I'm usually the chick who can "take it like a man." I love direct, honest dialogue. But this...this has me twisted up in knots and doing stuff like internet shopping....I just don't want to know.
And, I'm a little embarrassed to write that. Me, who has been nothing if not brave throughout all of this- I mean how many doctors have I expressed my displeasure with? Seriously. But this..this is the one hurdle I'm having trouble getting over.
The smart and direct Dr. Wahl in her lovely iron fist manner has broken it down for me as follows: "Has anyone talked to you about radiation? Because that mass in your chest is really big." Sigh. Like I didn't know that shit already. And Dr. Kenneth Kraemer (who has the nicest eyebrows of any person I've ever seen) explained that radiation therapy is much gentler than chemo. I was too embarrassed to ask him if I would be able to poop after treatment. I figure there's plenty of time for that.
So, this is it folks. Truth telling time. I can run, hide and shop my ass off. But, the reality is that I have to face the music about this cancer thing. If it's negative, I'll be bawling my head off with relief. If it's positive, well I'll probably do something really dumb, like get married again- something, anything, to make me feel alive and like I have plenty of time in front of me.
While it's true- we know not the day nor the time when we get that last call, cancer changed my life timeline. I don't feel like I have the luxury of putting things off till tomorrow. Don't get me wrong- I have no plans of running any marathons or stuff like that and I still nap. Duh! But, there's something to be said about priorities. I appreciate and love my friends and family like never before. And I am quick to walk away from anyone trying to rain on my parade. I have come to value myself and what I have to offer this world. And really, I'm tired of being a cancer patient. I want a new title. NOW.
It's getting kinda real up in here, isn't it?
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)